Maxwell Nate Hansen

My Beautiful little nephew Maxwell Nate Hansen was born stillborn at 39 weeks at 7 pounds 10 oz. He was perfect, and sooo beautiful. This was May 17th, two months ago. Other than family and close friends, I haven't really wanted to share this because I wasn't ready. I was and still am dealing with it at a pace comfortable for me.

It has been hard to watch my brother and his wife go through this. It has been hard to see them hurt so much. I want to take this away from them. But I know that this was in the plan for them, and that they will come out of this stronger and with so much faith. Max will always be their son. He will always be with them.

He is beautiful, and special and amazing. I love having him as a member of my family. Even if it's not exactly how we wanted it. Emotions are like a roller coaster, and grief is no different. I have been experiences waves emotion of good and bad.

Times when I feel Sad

Times when I feel Angry

Times when I feel Hope

Times when I feel Love and Joy

I miss him and I want him here. I love him so much. He is a very special spirit. His knowledge of the plan is so much bigger than mine, I have so much I need to learn. This was his mission.
He is watching over us and he loves and teaches us everyday.

Where Can I Turn for Peace?

I am preparing my lesson for Relief Society on Sunday and I am loving the topic. The lesson is on a conference talk in the April 2013 session by Quentin L Cook called Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness. 

He starts off talking about two experiences he had recently that caused him to reflect on the doctrine of peace and the role of Jesus Christ in helping us obtain personal peace. One was a funeral he spoke at for a 6 year old girl who was shot and killed in the Newton Connecticut shooting. He said while he was there, he mourned with her parents and he said he felt strength and faith in them. Days after their precious innocent little girl was violently killed for no reason at all, they showed faith and strength. Wow. He said that the little girl's father expressed forgiveness immediately after the shooting to the perpetrator. 

The other experience was when he went to a church in a West-African country has endured economic hardship, a military coup, and two recent civil wars concluding in 2011. These members were strong, and he said he felt a special peace in their presence.

So many events happen in our lives that can rob us of our personal peace, and our feelings of safety. Like the attacks on September 11, 2011, family members suffering trials, or death of loved ones.

Elder Cook said, "We all long for peace. Peace is not just safety or lack of war, violence, conflict, and contention. Peace comes from knowing that the Savior knows who we are and knows that we have faith in Him, love Him, and keep His commandments, even and especially amid life’s devastating trials and tragedies. The Lord’s answer to the Prophet Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail brings solace to the heart:

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.”

Terrible things happen. They can and do happen to good people every day. One single event can happen and cause a massive earthquake in our lives, reeking havoc with mass destruction. Events that rob us of peace. 

WHERE CAN I TURN FOR PEACE? The Savior 

Where can I turn for Peace?

Where is my Solice, when other sources cease to make me whole?

When with a wounded heart, anger or malice, I draw myself apart searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows, where, when I languish, Where in my need to know, here can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anquish?

Who, can understand? He, only one.

He answers privately, reaches my reaching

In my Gethsamane, Savior and friend.

Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.

Constant he is and kind, Love without end.

It seems I can find a song for every time I feel I need something. I love how music enters our hearts and our lives without us even knowing it sometimes. Its so beautiful.

Lift up your hearts in praise to God;

Let your rejoicings never cease.

Though tribulations rage abroad,

Christ says, “In me ye shall have peace.

3 months later....

Sawyer turned THREE last week!  We lost our camera so no pictures. We took some on our phones and on our iPad. I don't want to figure out how to get those onto this computer, so for now....no pictures.
He requested a Thomas the Train themed party. I made all the decorations myself, it took a very long time, but it was so worth it! I got most of my ideas off Pinterest, I love that site. We used black duct tape on the sidewalk leading up to our front door, and on the living room floor to make train tracks. That alone kept Sawyer and Mealea busy the entire day while he waited for his party. We still have that on our floor, why take it off when it entertains the kids everyday? He also requested a Monster Truck cake. I loved that because it was really easy but it looked amazing! He wanted hot dogs, like last year for his birthday dinner. That's something to make my Dad proud:) We bought him a cozy coupe, he is in love with it. He named the cozy coupe Gru (after the main guy in Despicable me, his new favorite movie). But it has since been changed to "Mouth", don't ask me....? That night before I went to bed, I went to check on him and I found the cozy coupe in his room with a blanket on top of it. He put "mouth" to bed, how cute!

My baby brother Isaac left on a mission February 27th to Baltimore Maryland. I always knew he would go on a mission but I never gave it too much thought. In October with the new announcement on Missionaries age, he decided to leave right away. It was only a few months sooner than we would have gone, as he was 18 1/2 anyway. So he deferred his second semester at BYUI and moved home to prepare. He had a lot of time to himself since he was out of school and not working. He had all his money saved and ready to go. Those months I got to spend more time with him, but I wish I had spent more time with him and used the time more wisely. He would often come over randomly with only a few minutes notice. I didn't care, I am almost always home anyway. Plus I like seeing other faces than just my kids day after long day, even though they are my favorite faces. He would play with my kids so I could cook or clean. He would even help me clean my house. He is so thoughtful, kind and considerate. My kids loved seeing him more and growing a relationship with him. Isaac loved trains growing up, especially Thomas. Sawyer loves Thomas and has a train table in his room. They would play for hours up there. Sawyer would ask for Iky almost everyday. Then it hit me the last week before he left that he was leaving. I felt selfish and wanted him to stay, I am so happy and proud of him, but I was screaming inside for him to stay. My kids wouldn't even give him goodbye hugs the last time they saw him because they were tired and cranky and wanted to go home. They thought they would just see him the next day and play. They ask me where he is all the time. When I go to my parents house they say "we see Meemaw, Papa, Abi, Andrew, Eli and Iky!" I try to explain that they wont see him for a long time.

When he gets home, they will have most likely outgrown the relationship they had with him. I know they can get to know him again and everything will be wonderful. But it will never quite be like it was these last few months with him. Nothing ever is. Things are always changing, growing, evolving. We can't freeze time. But, that time with him was a treasure, and I am thankful that we got it.

We are taking a road trip for almost three weeks in May to Boston. Samong's only brother is getting married. It will be.......fun  an adventure with two toddlers. It a LOOOOOOOOONG drive. My kids are not road trip trained, we don't go very far, pretty much just Boise and Salt Lake and they can barely handle that. I am excited for Samong to get to spend so much time with his family, and for his family to get to spend so much time with their grandkids (niece/nephew). We might tow a small trailer home with some tools his dad wants to give Samong since he's retired. So we bought a new car that we are totally in love with. It's a 2009 Honda Pilot. It's the model just under the Touring model, so it has a lot of nice features that we got use to fast. Like a back up camera, heated leather seats...well that's all I've figured out so far.

I saved the best news for last.... I got a new calling....Get ready...


RELIEF SOCIETY TEACHER

I have a few weeks before I have to teach for the first time, but I'm very freaked out! To say the least.... I just wanted to tell them to find someone else, because I wasn't the girl for the job. I know this may not seem like anything big to some people. But it is a big deal for me. It's my first time teaching adults, and I have anxiety issues with even talking to people I don't know well. I know that I can learn to over come that, I just need to step outside my comfort zone, and put forth the effort, which I haven't had to do yet. But since they called me, a week ago I've become more confident and less scared. I know this is what I need to be doing. I've actually felt it for a while now, but I always pushed it aside. They said they've felt strongly about me teaching, and I know they are right. I have felt like I've been stagnant the last few years. Probably since I became a mom. (But being a mom has made me grow in so many areas, so that sounds bad). Every Sunday all I do is worry about keeping my kids quiet, fed and away from the people in the ward so they can listen. I can't open the lesson manual, or scriptures. I can't even hear half the time, then I have to leave the room to deal with a poopy diaper or a tantrum. My kids are hard in church, its rough. Plus I've been in Nursery for almost a year. But the rest is just my fault, I haven't been reading or studying like I should. I need growth and learning. I need to be in Relief Society. I think I could be a good teacher. I just need to believe in myself, and break away my chains of doubt, anxiety, and fear.  "Acting on even a twig of faith, allows God to grow it"- Henry B. Erying. I am choosing to act on this, because I want to grow stronger in so many ways. I know I've just opened a door by accepting this calling, and I'm ready for what it will bring.

Roger Brent Hansen

Roger Brent Hansen, 49, of Idaho Falls, passed away in his home in Osgood on Tuesday, Dec. 4, 2012.

Roger was born Oct. 31, 1963, to Reed Hansen and Marilyn Hoff Hansen in Idaho Falls. He was the fourth of five children and took an early start in life exploring the farm and learning about the world around him.

As a child, Roger was captivated by electricity and collected glass power-line insulators, drew diagrams and built amazing contraptions. His fascination turned to machines, which included his father's car. He bought a used pickup in high school, which he tinkered with and modified and kept with him his whole life. He took as many automotive courses as he could in high school and then attended what is now Eastern Idaho Technical College, where he studied auto repair. His passion continued, and he eventually owned his own diesel tractor and auto-repair business.

Roger was known for his brilliant ability to improvise and for his honesty and seeming genius to make something work when no one else could. His unconventional approach was appreciated by so many of his customers, including the local farming community. He was well-known by automotive enthusiasts, including those in parts, restoration of antique tractors and classic cars. That pickup from high school eventually became Roger's recreation when he joined a 4x4 off-road club. Roger enjoyed spending time with friends and was always up for an evening with his bowling buddies.

Roger is survived by his mother, Marilyn Hoff Hansen; siblings, Mark (Dani) of Idaho Falls, Karen (Vern) of Pullman, Wash., and Bruce (Sandy) and Kris, both of Idaho Falls.

He was preceded in death by his father, Reed.

Funeral services will be held at 11 a.m. Monday, Dec. 10, at Buck-Miller-Hann Funeral Home, 825 E. 17th St. in Idaho Falls, with Bishop George Cook officiating. A visitation for family and friends will be held from 9:30 a.m. to 11 a.m. prior to the funeral. Burial will follow in Fielding Memorial Park Cemetery in Idaho Falls.

Online condolences may be left at www.buckmillerhann.com.

Be Still My Soul

My heart hurts.
I am seeking comfort, and I have found it in music.
Music is so beautiful. In High school my seminary teacher wrote a riddle on the chalkboard.

What is this...

*Powerful enough to destroy armies
*Harmless enough that a child can use
*Through it you can prophesy
*Immediately invites the spirit
*It can easily destroy you

No one was able to solve that. How could there be an answer to such a vastly diverse and immensely powerful statement. The answer is just one word, MUSIC.

When you are a teenager you are so involved in your own little world and you can't always see the bigger picture. I can't say that I was attentive everyday in class, but this stuck out to me and I recorded it in the inside cover of my scriptures. Music can enter into someone's heart, even when they may seem closed off to the world and others around them. It immediately invites the spirit. I have seen it touch the lives of people around me. They can't always explain what they are feeling, but they can feel God's love. It can be such a powerful tool for us, and we can learn how to use it to enrich our lives and the lives of those around us.

But, "it can easily destroy you" ? I think Satan has taken advantage of this tool and we need to be careful.

One time in college I was having a rough few months and I couldn't figure out what the problem was. The semester was ending and I signed up for the next semester's classes. I wanted to take a BOM class that semester. There are so many teachers to chose from but as I was scrolling through only one stood out to me, Kory Kunz.

I had taken other religions courses before and I may have been glazed during class, and rushed through homework, but I won't say that I WAS, we'll just let you decide. But this class was different from the first day. I felt the spirit, I learned so much everyday. I couldn't figure out why I LOVED this class so much and why I suddenly was filled with the spirit.

One day Kory taught a lesson on loving and serving others. That lead to him talking about his older brother who had struggled a lot in his life, and lost his way a little. Other people judged him and gave him little support. But Kory loved his brother and stood by him, believing in him. He wrote a song for his brother, called "My Older Brother". When he played the piano and sang his song, I could not contain my emotion. It was beautiful. My only older brother, Nathan was about to be married and I think that was part of it. I was embarrassed, but I could tell that other class members were also moved.

Then I realized why this class was so different. There was music everyday, songs that he wrote and composed himself. I fell in love with all his songs, bought both his CD's, and practically memorized every song.

My Uncle suddenly passed away and I spent most of the day with family. As I was driving home tonight, a song came on the Christian station that spoke to me.

"Where I Belong"

Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong
[x2]

Where I belong, where I belong
Where I belong, where I belong

This song reminded me of my uncle, and it made me happy to be reminded that he is with loved ones. There is no more pain or confusion. He is happy and warm.

When my Grandpa Hansen passed away a few years ago, me, my mom and sisters sang Hymns to him by his bedside. My grandfather was not active in the church, but he could feel the spirit that day. He was in a lot of pain and sleeping a lot. He opened his eyes and looked at us the entire time we sang. I could feel the spirit very strongly, and it was one of the most beautiful moments in my life. Music has no prejudice. It doesn't matter where you are in this life. On what mile marker we are in our travels through the journey of life and our eternal existence. It doesn't matter if we believe in God, if we are old, young, boy or girl, rich or poor. Play some music with inspiring lyrics, and our hearts will be touched and we will feel love. If we are too stubborn to see what we are doing wrong, or too angry, or if we have just lost our way, we needn't look any farther than music. Maybe we have a friend or neighbor who does not interested in church or the gospel and we are struggling to find a way to reach them. The answer is simple. MUSIC.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

Mealea's 1st Birthday!

Last week was pretty fun in the Som household. My birthday was Monday, and Mealea's was on Wednesday. We had a small get together at our house with just family.

Look how happy Mealea is on her birthday.

She loves being the center of attention, what baby doesn't?

I made two cakes for her birthday. This one is just watermelon, honeydew, and cantaloupe with a few berries and grapes stuck to it with toothpicks

This one is chocolate cake. We've gotta get her started on her chocolate addiction early

We had spaghetti for dinner, a Som birthday tradition for baby's 1st birthday

We made spaghetti noodles and spaghetti squash. Mealea likes both!

Mealea enjoying her chocolate cake. She only ate a few bites and was satisfied, she loves food, but she doesn't eat very much dessert. I guess she's like her daddy, because we all know she didn't get that from me!

Mealea and her Meemaw, (my mom)

I forgot to take a group picture of all the birthday guests. :( But we had my mom, my sister Abi, brothers Eli and Andrew. We also had my brother Nicholas and his wife Lindsey. My sister in law Erica with her girls, Allison and Natalie. My dad and my brother Nathan couldn't make it because its potato harvest season. My brother Isaac and Sister Hilary are in Rexburg going to school and couldn't make it either. My sister Amanda was also out of town working. I wish everyone could have made it to her party, but they all sent their love to Mealea and her birthday was perfect!

She was pretty tired at the end of the party and was ready for bed. I think Sawyer was the most excited for Mealea's birthday. He was talking about cake and birthdays for weeks. My brother Eli just celebrated his 13th birthday in mid September and Sawyer was so excited he's been talking about it ever since. My 4 year old niece Allison, and my almost 2 year old niece Natalie were at the party too. They were all hopped up on sugar and from all the balloons everywhere and were running everywhere squealing in excitement. 

As nice as the party was, it was also nice when 8 rolled around and we could put the kids to bed and re-gather ourselves.

26

Time speeds up the older I get. I am about to celebrate my birthday in about a week and a half. Ever since I can remember, I've always anticipated my birthday, waiting to see that older number. I wanted to be older, always. But a few months ago I decided I was good with where I am. 25 years old sounded great. Old enough to get (some) respect, but young enough to be wrinkle and grey hair free. Young enough to have loads of energy, no health problems, and easily bounce back from pregnancy and injury and what not. People always talk about young beautiful women, but they seem to stop by age 25. If you are older than 25, you are still young, but not young enough to be used as an example of a young woman.  So here I am, about to cross that line. You can't get time back.

So I wanted to stay 25 forever. But now I know that is not what I really want. I want to live life and see what is ahead for me. I want to learn and grow. I want to become more respected. I want to someday be considered wise. I want to help others through this journey. And most of all, I want to meet future children and other family members (nieces, nephews, in laws, ect)

My dad mentions often that he doesn't like growing older. On his 49th birthday two years ago, he said that the older you get, the bigger your family gets. The more posterity you have to share your life with. That's a great way to look at it.

I've still got many years to come. I want to embrace life's experiences with my family. I want to teach my kids, and enjoy watching them experience life. I want to grow old with my husband, but I don't want to think about that now. So who cares what number I will see on my birthday cake October 1st.

Two days later I will see a beautiful number 1 on my daughter's birthday cake. That's what life's all about :)

Bring on 26, I hope its as beautiful as 25 was.