My Beautiful little nephew Maxwell Nate Hansen was born stillborn at 39 weeks at 7 pounds 10 oz. He was perfect, and sooo beautiful. This was May 17th, two months ago. Other than family and close friends, I haven't really wanted to share this because I wasn't ready. I was and still am dealing with it at a pace comfortable for me.
It has been hard to watch my brother and his wife go through this. It has been hard to see them hurt so much. I want to take this away from them. But I know that this was in the plan for them, and that they will come out of this stronger and with so much faith. Max will always be their son. He will always be with them.
He is beautiful, and special and amazing. I love having him as a member of my family. Even if it's not exactly how we wanted it. Emotions are like a roller coaster, and grief is no different. I have been experiences waves emotion of good and bad.
Times when I feel Sad
Times when I feel Angry
Times when I feel Hope
Times when I feel Love and Joy
I miss him and I want him here. I love him so much. He is a very special spirit. His knowledge of the plan is so much bigger than mine, I have so much I need to learn. This was his mission.
He is watching over us and he loves and teaches us everyday.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Where Can I Turn for Peace?
I am preparing my lesson for Relief Society on Sunday and I am loving the topic. The lesson is on a conference talk in the April 2013 session by Quentin L Cook called Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness.
He starts off talking about two experiences he had recently that caused him to reflect on the doctrine of peace and the role of Jesus Christ in helping us obtain personal peace. One was a funeral he spoke at for a 6 year old girl who was shot and killed in the Newton Connecticut shooting. He said while he was there, he mourned with her parents and he said he felt strength and faith in them. Days after their precious innocent little girl was violently killed for no reason at all, they showed faith and strength. Wow. He said that the little girl's father expressed forgiveness immediately after the shooting to the perpetrator.
The other experience was when he went to a church in a West-African country has endured economic hardship, a military coup, and two recent civil wars concluding in 2011. These members were strong, and he said he felt a special peace in their presence.
So many events happen in our lives that can rob us of our personal peace, and our feelings of safety. Like the attacks on September 11, 2011, family members suffering trials, or death of loved ones.
Elder Cook said, "We all long for peace. Peace is not just safety or lack of war, violence, conflict, and contention. Peace comes from knowing that the Savior knows who we are and knows that we have faith in Him, love Him, and keep His commandments, even and especially amid life’s devastating trials and tragedies. The Lord’s answer to the Prophet Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail brings solace to the heart:
“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.”
Terrible things happen. They can and do happen to good people every day. One single event can happen and cause a massive earthquake in our lives, reeking havoc with mass destruction. Events that rob us of peace.
WHERE CAN I TURN FOR PEACE? The Savior
Where can I turn for Peace?
Where is my Solice, when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or malice, I draw myself apart searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows, where, when I languish, Where in my need to know, here can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anquish?
Who, can understand? He, only one.
He answers privately, reaches my reaching
In my Gethsamane, Savior and friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, Love without end.
It seems I can find a song for every time I feel I need something. I love how music enters our hearts and our lives without us even knowing it sometimes. Its so beautiful.
Lift up your hearts in praise to God;
Let your rejoicings never cease.
Though tribulations rage abroad,
Christ says, “In me ye shall have peace.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
3 months later....
Sawyer turned THREE last week! We lost our camera so no pictures. We took some on our phones and on our iPad. I don't want to figure out how to get those onto this computer, so for now....no pictures.
He requested a Thomas the Train themed party. I made all the decorations myself, it took a very long time, but it was so worth it! I got most of my ideas off Pinterest, I love that site. We used black duct tape on the sidewalk leading up to our front door, and on the living room floor to make train tracks. That alone kept Sawyer and Mealea busy the entire day while he waited for his party. We still have that on our floor, why take it off when it entertains the kids everyday? He also requested a Monster Truck cake. I loved that because it was really easy but it looked amazing! He wanted hot dogs, like last year for his birthday dinner. That's something to make my Dad proud:) We bought him a cozy coupe, he is in love with it. He named the cozy coupe Gru (after the main guy in Despicable me, his new favorite movie). But it has since been changed to "Mouth", don't ask me....? That night before I went to bed, I went to check on him and I found the cozy coupe in his room with a blanket on top of it. He put "mouth" to bed, how cute!
My baby brother Isaac left on a mission February 27th to Baltimore Maryland. I always knew he would go on a mission but I never gave it too much thought. In October with the new announcement on Missionaries age, he decided to leave right away. It was only a few months sooner than we would have gone, as he was 18 1/2 anyway. So he deferred his second semester at BYUI and moved home to prepare. He had a lot of time to himself since he was out of school and not working. He had all his money saved and ready to go. Those months I got to spend more time with him, but I wish I had spent more time with him and used the time more wisely. He would often come over randomly with only a few minutes notice. I didn't care, I am almost always home anyway. Plus I like seeing other faces than just my kids day after long day, even though they are my favorite faces. He would play with my kids so I could cook or clean. He would even help me clean my house. He is so thoughtful, kind and considerate. My kids loved seeing him more and growing a relationship with him. Isaac loved trains growing up, especially Thomas. Sawyer loves Thomas and has a train table in his room. They would play for hours up there. Sawyer would ask for Iky almost everyday. Then it hit me the last week before he left that he was leaving. I felt selfish and wanted him to stay, I am so happy and proud of him, but I was screaming inside for him to stay. My kids wouldn't even give him goodbye hugs the last time they saw him because they were tired and cranky and wanted to go home. They thought they would just see him the next day and play. They ask me where he is all the time. When I go to my parents house they say "we see Meemaw, Papa, Abi, Andrew, Eli and Iky!" I try to explain that they wont see him for a long time.
When he gets home, they will have most likely outgrown the relationship they had with him. I know they can get to know him again and everything will be wonderful. But it will never quite be like it was these last few months with him. Nothing ever is. Things are always changing, growing, evolving. We can't freeze time. But, that time with him was a treasure, and I am thankful that we got it.
We are taking a road trip for almost three weeks in May to Boston. Samong's only brother is getting married. It will be.......fun an adventure with two toddlers. It a LOOOOOOOOONG drive. My kids are not road trip trained, we don't go very far, pretty much just Boise and Salt Lake and they can barely handle that. I am excited for Samong to get to spend so much time with his family, and for his family to get to spend so much time with their grandkids (niece/nephew). We might tow a small trailer home with some tools his dad wants to give Samong since he's retired. So we bought a new car that we are totally in love with. It's a 2009 Honda Pilot. It's the model just under the Touring model, so it has a lot of nice features that we got use to fast. Like a back up camera, heated leather seats...well that's all I've figured out so far.
I saved the best news for last.... I got a new calling....Get ready...
RELIEF SOCIETY TEACHER
I have a few weeks before I have to teach for the first time, but I'm very freaked out! To say the least.... I just wanted to tell them to find someone else, because I wasn't the girl for the job. I know this may not seem like anything big to some people. But it is a big deal for me. It's my first time teaching adults, and I have anxiety issues with even talking to people I don't know well. I know that I can learn to over come that, I just need to step outside my comfort zone, and put forth the effort, which I haven't had to do yet. But since they called me, a week ago I've become more confident and less scared. I know this is what I need to be doing. I've actually felt it for a while now, but I always pushed it aside. They said they've felt strongly about me teaching, and I know they are right. I have felt like I've been stagnant the last few years. Probably since I became a mom. (But being a mom has made me grow in so many areas, so that sounds bad). Every Sunday all I do is worry about keeping my kids quiet, fed and away from the people in the ward so they can listen. I can't open the lesson manual, or scriptures. I can't even hear half the time, then I have to leave the room to deal with a poopy diaper or a tantrum. My kids are hard in church, its rough. Plus I've been in Nursery for almost a year. But the rest is just my fault, I haven't been reading or studying like I should. I need growth and learning. I need to be in Relief Society. I think I could be a good teacher. I just need to believe in myself, and break away my chains of doubt, anxiety, and fear. "Acting on even a twig of faith, allows God to grow it"- Henry B. Erying. I am choosing to act on this, because I want to grow stronger in so many ways. I know I've just opened a door by accepting this calling, and I'm ready for what it will bring.
He requested a Thomas the Train themed party. I made all the decorations myself, it took a very long time, but it was so worth it! I got most of my ideas off Pinterest, I love that site. We used black duct tape on the sidewalk leading up to our front door, and on the living room floor to make train tracks. That alone kept Sawyer and Mealea busy the entire day while he waited for his party. We still have that on our floor, why take it off when it entertains the kids everyday? He also requested a Monster Truck cake. I loved that because it was really easy but it looked amazing! He wanted hot dogs, like last year for his birthday dinner. That's something to make my Dad proud:) We bought him a cozy coupe, he is in love with it. He named the cozy coupe Gru (after the main guy in Despicable me, his new favorite movie). But it has since been changed to "Mouth", don't ask me....? That night before I went to bed, I went to check on him and I found the cozy coupe in his room with a blanket on top of it. He put "mouth" to bed, how cute!
My baby brother Isaac left on a mission February 27th to Baltimore Maryland. I always knew he would go on a mission but I never gave it too much thought. In October with the new announcement on Missionaries age, he decided to leave right away. It was only a few months sooner than we would have gone, as he was 18 1/2 anyway. So he deferred his second semester at BYUI and moved home to prepare. He had a lot of time to himself since he was out of school and not working. He had all his money saved and ready to go. Those months I got to spend more time with him, but I wish I had spent more time with him and used the time more wisely. He would often come over randomly with only a few minutes notice. I didn't care, I am almost always home anyway. Plus I like seeing other faces than just my kids day after long day, even though they are my favorite faces. He would play with my kids so I could cook or clean. He would even help me clean my house. He is so thoughtful, kind and considerate. My kids loved seeing him more and growing a relationship with him. Isaac loved trains growing up, especially Thomas. Sawyer loves Thomas and has a train table in his room. They would play for hours up there. Sawyer would ask for Iky almost everyday. Then it hit me the last week before he left that he was leaving. I felt selfish and wanted him to stay, I am so happy and proud of him, but I was screaming inside for him to stay. My kids wouldn't even give him goodbye hugs the last time they saw him because they were tired and cranky and wanted to go home. They thought they would just see him the next day and play. They ask me where he is all the time. When I go to my parents house they say "we see Meemaw, Papa, Abi, Andrew, Eli and Iky!" I try to explain that they wont see him for a long time.
When he gets home, they will have most likely outgrown the relationship they had with him. I know they can get to know him again and everything will be wonderful. But it will never quite be like it was these last few months with him. Nothing ever is. Things are always changing, growing, evolving. We can't freeze time. But, that time with him was a treasure, and I am thankful that we got it.
We are taking a road trip for almost three weeks in May to Boston. Samong's only brother is getting married. It will be......
I saved the best news for last.... I got a new calling....Get ready...
RELIEF SOCIETY TEACHER
I have a few weeks before I have to teach for the first time, but I'm very freaked out! To say the least.... I just wanted to tell them to find someone else, because I wasn't the girl for the job. I know this may not seem like anything big to some people. But it is a big deal for me. It's my first time teaching adults, and I have anxiety issues with even talking to people I don't know well. I know that I can learn to over come that, I just need to step outside my comfort zone, and put forth the effort, which I haven't had to do yet. But since they called me, a week ago I've become more confident and less scared. I know this is what I need to be doing. I've actually felt it for a while now, but I always pushed it aside. They said they've felt strongly about me teaching, and I know they are right. I have felt like I've been stagnant the last few years. Probably since I became a mom. (But being a mom has made me grow in so many areas, so that sounds bad). Every Sunday all I do is worry about keeping my kids quiet, fed and away from the people in the ward so they can listen. I can't open the lesson manual, or scriptures. I can't even hear half the time, then I have to leave the room to deal with a poopy diaper or a tantrum. My kids are hard in church, its rough. Plus I've been in Nursery for almost a year. But the rest is just my fault, I haven't been reading or studying like I should. I need growth and learning. I need to be in Relief Society. I think I could be a good teacher. I just need to believe in myself, and break away my chains of doubt, anxiety, and fear. "Acting on even a twig of faith, allows God to grow it"- Henry B. Erying. I am choosing to act on this, because I want to grow stronger in so many ways. I know I've just opened a door by accepting this calling, and I'm ready for what it will bring.
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